I woke up this morning to my phone absolutely blowing up! I log onto my computer to find out that my little blog here has been viewed over 1000 times since I posted it last night! I also had an inbox of messages from friends, and complete strangers sharing their own stories and words of support. I am at a loss for words. Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. Not a lot can leave me speechless. On that note, this will be the shortest blog post in the history of blogs because I just have no words. Thank you!
I don't recall the first day I felt anxiety. I wish I could nail it down to a particular day, or an incident. An origin story would be great! What I do remember is just feeling a bit off in my late teens and early 20s. I recall one night waking my mother up in the middle of the night because I couldn't feel my hands. Of course, I assumed I was having a stroke, and this made the panic attack so much worse. Fun filled trip to the ER in my home town and a very late night for my mother and I. I was released in the morning with no definite answer as to what happened. Life goes on.
I didn't have a bad childhood, I had a great one! So no horrible stories about bad parents or traumatic experiences there. My parents are great people, two of my best friends, and did the best they could. I am lucky that they both try their best to understand me and this whole anxiety thing. I imagine it is difficult at times for a parent to watch their daughter go through days she can't even think about leaving the house. Having a fantastic support system with my family makes me the luckiest girl in the world.
I continued on, normal young adult activities, partying, working, school, partying and a whole lot of sleeping. Feeling pretty normal, for the most part. It wasn't until my mid to late 20s that it came back in full force. I was living in a party town, and got myself into less than healthy situations. Wrong people, wrong scene, a horrendous relationship, unhealthy habits, substance abuse, and anxiety attacks became a regular part of my life. At the time it was always easy to blame it on one or all of the mentioned excuses. I finally recognized that I needed to get out of my current situation, and thanks to my amazing family, I was onto bigger and better things.
Fast forward to now, I am still dealing with anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are far far worse than others. Some days, it is all I can do to get out of bed. Thank goodness for movie marathons and video games! I have tried to change my view on these days and not make them a necessarily negative thing. Sometimes, I just need some me time and to disconnect. There is no "curing" or "getting over" anxiety, it is more about recognizing what works for you, and accepting that it is a part of who you are. It is also about having an amazing support group. I now surround myself with people who understand, and accept me for who I am. I don't have time for people who would want to change me, or make me feel like there is something wrong with me.
There we have a bit of a background story. I think it really shows that anxiety and depression can happen to anyone. You don't have to come from a bad home, or have something truly traumatic happen in your life. It is the same as any other illness, it doesn't discriminate, and it can hit at anytime. I don't like using the term illness, even though that is very much what it is. My anxiety also makes me a great friend, loyal, empathetic, thoughtful and loving. I try to focus on those positives. In a way, I just wouldn't be me without anxiety.
Good morning internets! It is 5:00am here, and after a night of tossing and turning with insomnia, and a push from a good friend, I have decided to start a blog. I am sure my friends never tire of the endless amounts of random thoughts and rants they receive from me at all hours of the day, but maybe this will be a better outlet. (Friends, you will still be getting the messages, not sorry.) Now to see if I stick with this new outlet, or if it becomes another half finished project that sits waiting for me to come back to it, much like the bag of yarn for all the arm knitting I planned on doing a couple of weeks ago. I see you yarn, I'm getting to you.
I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself. I am going to be 34 this year. I hate saying that. When did I reach my mid-30s? I don't feel like I am in my mid-30s, but that is a rant for another day. I was diagnosed with Anxiety in my early 20s, before that I just wasn't sure what was going on, I just knew something felt amiss. I currently live in Vancouver, BC. I have also lived in Winnipeg, Brandon, Carberry, Banff, Penticton and would likely move once a year somewhere new and random if moving wasn't so overwhelming. I believe I move a lot because I am in a constant state of trying to escape myself. Anxiety girl problems at it's finest.
I have had a couple of friends in the past tell me that I should start a blog. One in particular told me I have a "great head" and should start a blog with my "sharp little nuggets of highly enjoyable humanity." So, here I am, and now that this page is staring back at me I am at a loss for sharp little nuggets, bear with me. I should probably warn you that I write how I speak, I probably swear too much and run on sentences are kinda my thing. In this writing this I will share stories from my life, my quest to conquer anxiety, go on rants, be a bit offensive, make my mother cringe. Maybe someone will read it, maybe no one will, like most things in my life, this is mostly for me. Maybe I reach someone out there who can relate.
Welcome to my journey! Here we go!!